Beautiful Regret Page 5

  The first few minutes they just ate in silence until Lisa broke it with a question. "So do you like the work you're doing now, being a bounty hunter?"

  Gio watched her carefully before he responded. He knew she was trying to make small talk. "Yeah, it pays the bills," he responded curtly.

  "Better than police work?" she asked as she laid her fork down

  "It's easier, less stressful.” His answer was honest. “But it does have its exciting points. More time off, better days off though," he added.

  "I was surprised when I heard about it. You loved being a police officer so much. It was all you ever wanted."

  "Not all." His retort came briskly and quickly. Too quick.

  Lisa swallowed the small bite of bread she had taken without chewing.

  Gio felt guilty immediately, and jumped back in to recover. "It's good for us. We needed to be there for each other. Andreas was losing it. Not solving my parents’ murders, not catching the Rosedale Romeo, was eating him alive. He also didn't want anything to happen to Nikko or Blaze."

  Lisa appreciated his change of topic. "Yes, I heard they had both joined the force though as well."

  Gio nodded and took another bite of his pasta. He grabbed another slice of the crusty bread and sopped up some of the sauce on his plate. He couldn't help but wonder where she had heard all this, but knew the neighborhood talked. But that she bothered to inquire at all unsettled him. "Gotta love this neighborhood."

  Lisa laughed. "Yes. People talk. But I miss it. It’s simple. I miss this," she answered wistfully. It hurt to say the words aloud, but they were true.

  Gio set down his fork, and pushed his plate away. "It didn't have to be like this," he answered.

  She heard the pain in his voice. "No, and . . . Yes. I don't expect you to forgive me, Gio. I made my choices. But, I hope someday you'll come to understand."

  His blue eyes bore into her emerald ones. He didn't know if he could forgive her for giving up on them, on him, and not telling him the truth, but he did understand.

  "I guess I do, Lisa. Your sisters, your mom, even your dad. But if you had told me, maybe we could have figured out another way." Again, he searched her eyes for doubts. Regrets.

  She had to turn away before answering just to keep her composure. "Truthfully, Gio. I wish I had . . . now," she added. "But it's water under the bridge, I can't live in the past. I need to focus on the here and now. For Johnny, for my . . ." She stopped herself, wanting to tell him all of it.

  Gio watched her. He could tell there was something on her mind. He recognized the hesitancy. He knew her tells. "What is it, Lisa? Even from jail, when you told me about all of this, there was something I knew you were holding back. What is it?" he demanded softly. With Lisa, he knew the way to get her to talk was to broach the subject head on.

  The butterflies in her stomach swarmed, and the food she had managed to consume threatened to come up. She reached for her water glass. Took a sip.

  Gio's eyes narrowed. She was stalling. He'd wait her out. When she still didn't speak and he saw those gorgeous eyes begin to fill with unshed tears, he knew that whatever was coming was worse than anything he had yet to hear from her lips. Lisa was not a crier.

  "Gio," she started, then brought the napkin to her eyes. She was choked up. She couldn't get the words out.

  "Lisa," he reached for her hand, grasped it, trying to give her the courage to tell him whatever it was that was eating her alive. "Lisa, if you want me to help, be more than just a babysitter, you've got to tell me everything. For your son," he urged, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

  "Ours," she choked out on a gasp.

  Gio's heart stopped. Then started and slammed into his chest like a bull into a matador. He dropped her hand and pushed back from them table sending his chair flying into the wall behind him.

  "What did you say?" It came out of him as an accusation. His heart thundered. His head pounded.

  His tone terrified her. But she had no choice. He deserved to know. "Our son, Gio. Johnny is ours."

  His hands swept across the table sending glasses, plates, food flying. "You fucking bitch!"

  And before he did anything more violent, Gio stepped back and took several steps away from her. He'd never hit a woman in his life, but he wanted to hit something now. Her lying to him, about this, his son, had never crossed his mind. She had his child, and kept it from him. Why? He wanted to scream at her. Maybe she was lying, he thought as his hands swept to his hair, and he turned his back on her. His fist slammed into the wall indenting the plaster. Would she lie about this? Could she? A part of him, wished it were a lie. She had robbed him of her, but now this. A son! His son! She’d robbed him of ten years of knowing he had a son.

  "How could you?" he choked out in his fury. “How could you do that to me?”

  Her eyes spilled their tears. "I don't know." She buried her face in her hands, and cried. Yes, she'd tried to tell him, before and after. So many times, she had picked up the phone, but when Albert found out she'd tried to see him once, he'd made her pay. The first time he threatened her. The second time he'd beaten her. Then he'd threatened the baby. Afterwards, she'd been too terrified.

  When she looked up to explain this to him, well to try to, he was gone. He'd slipped from the kitchen silently. Just walked out. The door to the backyard was open, and he was gone.

  Gio stood out back in the alley, and paced. He wanted to smash something, pummel something. He had to get away from Lisa. This. This was priceless. It took the fucking cake. It was bad enough her keeping her family troubles from him, but this was his son. His son! She'd stolen all those years from him, from them, and now from her son. Denied him the right to know his real father. Denied him from knowing Johnny. This was unforgivable.

  Gio plowed his fist into the sheet metal of one of the storage sheds in the backyard. The resounding clamor of metal being dented rent the early evening air. The pain did nothing to calm his mood. The dent he made just another imprint, impact of many made by him and his brothers in anger and in play. Each of those marks had a story, a scar left on the surface, to remember the deeper scars within. Now this one was the deepest. He wanted to scream at the cruelty of it. The fates toying with him again.

  A drink.

  He pounded the side of the shed again. The creak of metal tore at his soul.

  He stormed out into the night, around the side of the house. He needed to get away. Fast. To breathe. To . . .

  Lisa heard the sound of metal smashing, and forced herself to go to the window and look outside. She knew what she would see before she even saw it. This was her doing after all. And there he was. Gio. Pacing in the alleyway like a caged animal. The naked pain clearly visible on his face despite the gloom. The muted alleyway lights told her she had hurt him and it killed her inside. Gio pounded the shed again. The force of the blow took her breath away. It was sheer rage. She clutched her hand over her mouth to prevent herself from crying out her own wretchedness. The guilt was eating her alive. But it was no less than she deserved.

  As he ran down the alleyway into the night through the row of interconnected houses, she was terrified for Gio. Of what he might do. She wanted to give chase, but knew he wouldn't be able to hear her now. He needed to deal with this pain, this ultimate betrayal, on his own first. He'd be back. And she would face the consequences of her actions then. Whatever they may be. This was something she needed to face, own, and whatever he said to her, whatever decision he came to, whatever actions he took, were no less than she deserved.

  Gio walked four blocks past Brookville Park, where he had hung out with his friends, and played ball when he was young. He’d spent many weekends at night hanging out with Lisa there when he was older. But he didn't stop to reminisce. He pushed those memories back. They were better off buried anyway. He was on his way to Archie's, if it was still there. Another block and he saw it. The neon light flashing intermittently, “A_chi_'s”. Two of the letters were burnt out. But it was still there. A
local bar. Small, with a counter and some stools, four tables, and alcohol.

  He wasn't thinking. He just knew he needed distance from Lisa and her lies. Her secrets.

  He reached for the door, and pulled. The darkness within and the smoke engulfed him. He bellied up to the bar. There were only a few other patrons. All drinking. All alone after a long day of work.

  "What'll it be?" The bartender asked wasting no time. It wasn't Archie. He had died twelve years ago. Gio didn't recognize the forty something year old man behind the oak.

  "Whiskey, and a beer." The barkeeper nodded and turned to get his drinks.

  Gio regretted it immediately. It was his first conscious thought since he’d left home. His palms began to sweat. His heart rate picked up. He could taste the whiskey already.

  The barkeeper was back with his drinks too soon. A draft sat before him, the glass chilled already showed signs of condensation, and the dark liquor in the shot glass swirled up at him. Gio cupped the shot glass to steady his hands. The barkeeper left him alone, and went to sit behind the register on a stool until he was needed. He resumed reading the paper he'd been reading when Gio came in. Gio stared into the amber colored liquid trying to quiet the noise in his head. The demons.

  Just then his phone buzzed. Gio let out a shaky breath, and pulled out his phone. The display on his iPhone read salvation. It was Andreas. Gio felt like he wanted to cry.

  He put the device to his ear.

  "Hey," he answered unsteadily.

  "What's doing, bro?" Andreas cut right to the chase sounding relaxed.

  "Huh," was all he could force himself to mutter.

  "Harder than you thought?" How Andreas could figure that out from only two words said a lot about his older brother.

  Gio reached into his pocket, took out a twenty, and left it on the counter. "Yeah, it is."

  Gio took a sip of his cold draft to wet his dry mouth, and put the glass back down, and then walked out of the bar, his phone clutched to his ear like a lifeline. The bartender nodded his acknowledgment as Gio slipped outside.

  "So what's going on G?" Andreas sensed something was up with his usually talkative brother and immediately became concerned. That’s why he’d used his first initial like he'd done so many times when they were younger to get him to spill his guts and inspire his confidences.

  "Andy, Lisa told me Johnny, her kid, she told me he's mine." Saying the words out loud gutted him again like a dull blade tearing through flesh. He barely got the words out. He felt the tears forcing their way out, and crushed his fist into his eye sockets to keep them at bay.

  "The hell she did!" Andreas’s outrage was immediate and evident by his outburst. "What the fuck is wrong with that woman?"

  "I just don't know, man. I just don’t know." Gio was walking, and getting himself under control.

  But Andreas had heard the hitch in Gio’s voice. This woman had ripped his brother’s soul out once before. Now it looked like she was going to give it back to him in pieces. "You need me?"

  "Yes, no! Fuck man. I don't know which way is up!" He was back in Brookville Park.

  "You want me up there? Fact check this?" When Gio didn't respond right away, Andreas got even more worried. "Where are you now?"

  "Just left Archie's. I'm in Brookville Park now. I didn't drink it. The whiskey. Had a sip of a draft and walked out."

  "Understandable. But good choice. Gio, you need me up there, I'm there in a heartbeat." Andreas was clutching his phone to his ear, his other hand had fisted on top of his desk.

  "Um . . . No. I'm gonna deal with this in my own way, but I'll call if I need you."

  Gio sounded calmer. "You sure?" He had to ask.

  "Yeah. Um, I don't know what I'm gonna do, say. I don't know. Don't tell the others yet. I gotta wrap my head around this. But, um, yeah, go ahead and check the dates and stuff for me, okay? You don’t think she would lie about something like this, do you?" His words and thoughts ran together.

  "No, Buddy, I don’t,” Andreas answered honestly, wanting to be there for him. But quickly added. “I’ll check for you. Anything you need, let me know. I'll check on the dates and I’ll call you tomorrow. Hang in there."

  "I will." He was going to try.

  Gio was trying to think clearly, but was doing everything but. He roamed the park and walked down his old streets and past his old haunts, but nothing helped. It just brought back even more memories of Lisa as he passed by all the places he had been with her. His son! How could she keep that from him? It hurt. True, he didn’t know for sure, and he couldn’t be one hundred percent, but why would she lie about something like this. Andreas didn’t think she would either.

  Even after her marriage, when he found out she was pregnant, he fleetingly thought it could have been his child. But she would have told him that, he thought. The timing had been right, but back then he lost himself in the bottle and the knowledge that he and Lisa had used condoms all the time, not wanting any accidents until she was finished with school just a few months away. True, she hadn’t been on the pill, but they had always been careful.

  The alcohol back then, and her betrayal had convinced him the child was not his. Thinking about her pregnant with Albert’s child had added fuel to his misery then. It was just one more thing he did not want to think about, thus the drinking and the start of his carousing.

  There had been only one other girl aside from Lisa before that. Lisa had been his first. They had broken up senior year, and eventually found their way to back to each other during the summer. But being an athlete, and very popular, girls had thrown themselves at him, and he had taken advantage of the situation the one time. But even then, and especially afterwards, he had known it was Lisa for him.

  But to lie about this. She should have, could have told him! They had run into each other afterwards. Once when she was pregnant. She had shown up at a charity policemen’s ball on Albert’s arm. He left the party, and wound up drinking with some buddies in Baldwin and leaving with one of the bar flies. Then there was his parents’ funeral. Again he left. And then there was that time a year later when he dropped off some kids he picked up after a domestic violence call at nearby shelter. She had been volunteering there. He signed the paperwork in the office, but Lisa had already left by the time he turned around.

  He was baffled. She could have called, wrote him. Hell, he had a right to know. Even her own son, Johnny, well, she’d stolen those years from him too. This was something he could never forgive. Ever! As he had that very thought, he realized he was back on his block, and his house was just feet away. He was still fuming.

  He looked up, and saw that the light from his bedroom was on, while the downstairs was dark. He glanced at his phone and realized he’d been out for hours. It was nearly ten. But Lisa was still up.

  He wasn’t going to run anymore, or get lost in the bottle. He’d put that shit behind him. But not this. He wanted to hear her reasons, and he was going to hear them now.

  He took the steps up the stoop two at a time.

  Lisa sat at the edge of Gio’s bed, and gazed at their old yearbook. The past haunted her even from the pages of this tome. It seemed like she would never be able to escape the mistakes of the past. For most of their senior year, Gio and she had been split up. It had been a stupid fight at the winter formal. He wanted to go to a party, and she wanted to stay a while longer. Stupid really, the things they fought over back then. She demanded he stay, and if he wanted to leave it was over. She was tired, she’d said, of him making all the decisions which wasn’t true. But she had been having so much fun, and her dress had cost her mom a small fortune.

  But Gio had other ideas that night. He said the dance was lame, and wanted to split. She said, fine, go. And he had. She screamed at his retreating back to him that it was over. He didn’t call her for two weeks, and by that point she was so pissed off, she didn’t return his calls.

  It had been difficult with him practically living next door, but she knew enough about his
routine that she managed to avoid him for months. Near graduation when she was about to give in, which her heart wanted her do all along, she heard that he’d slept with Julie Ostipwko. Again, she saw red.

  Gazing at the pages of photos of their senior year, they were in none together. The editors of the yearbook had not used those knowing about the breakup before the final copy had gone off to print. There were several pictures of them, just apart. Like an omen, she surmised, as she gently stroked the largest picture of Gio, standing by himself, on the football field, he’d been a co-captain his senior year. She’d been a cheerleader.

  The past, the mistakes, the lies, the years in between threatened to engulf her, as a lone silent tear slid down her face.

  And that’s when Gio walked in. He filled the doorframe of the bedroom once again. For a man so large, he moved as silent and stealthily as a burglar. She gasped in surprise, at first startled, and then in embarrassment to be caught perusing his yearbook with all the sentiments and personal autographs inside. She shut the book closed and swiped away at the tear that left a trail in its wake down her face.

  Gio saw her as he came up the stairs through the open door, and could see she was looking at something and was so lost in thought that she did not even hear his approach. She was sitting on his bed, legs curled under her, and wore one of his t-shirts.

  He wanted to rip it off of her. “You look comfortable.” His words sounded bitter, which he was.

  “Gio,” she paused and tried to make eye contact.

  He avoided her look. “Never mind,” he shut her down. “Tell me, Lisa. Why? That’s all I want to know. And for God sake’s tell me the truth.”

  “Gio,” her voice broke. “I have never lied.”

  “Fuck that!”

  “Gio, never. Yes,” she rushed forward so he couldn’t interrupt, “I kept things from you, but never lied.”